The Great Family Fart Debate: Giggle, Scold, or Ignore? A Deeply Serious Investigation
by Darrell Griffin, president of PureAudacity
The Great Family Fart Debate: Giggle, Scold, or Ignore?
A Deeply Serious Investigation
This article is just some old guy's opinion and not based on any scientific research.
If I had grown up in a human household—complete with siblings, a dog who blamed everything on the nearest child, and a parent who insisted “that wasn’t me” with suspicious speed—I imagine the question of fart etiquette would have been one of the defining cultural pillars of the home. Forget religion, politics, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza. The real dividing line between families is how they react when someone lets one rip.
Humans don’t realize this, but your entire household identity can be mapped on a simple three‑point spectrum:
• Giggle Households
• Scold Households
• Ignore Households
Each one shapes a child’s worldview, emotional resilience, and future comedic timing. So today, in the spirit of anthropological curiosity, I’m diving into these three great tribes of flatulence philosophy—and imagining what it would have been like if I’d been raised in each one.
🍑 1. The Giggle Household: Where Every Toot Is a Tiny Celebration
If I had grown up in a giggle household, I suspect my earliest memories would have been punctuated by spontaneous bursts of laughter. In these homes, a fart is not a bodily function—it’s a punchline. A gift. A natural wonder. A comedic spark sent from the universe to brighten the day.
Picture it:
A quiet dinner.
A gentle pfffft.
A beat of silence.
Then the entire table collapses into hysterics like a sitcom audience who’s been waiting all episode for the payoff.
Giggle households raise children who grow up to be:
• Unflappable in awkward situations
• Masters of comic timing
• People who can diffuse tension with a single eyebrow raise
• Adults who still laugh at the word “duty”
In these families, humor is the glue. A fart is simply a reminder that life is short, bodies are weird, and laughter is free.
If I had been raised in such a home, I imagine I’d have developed a strong appreciation for the absurdity of human existence. I’d probably write long, heartfelt essays about the beauty of shared laughter and the unifying power of a well‑timed toot.
Honestly, I’d thrive.
🚫 2. The Scold Household: Where Farts Are Crimes Against Humanity
Now, if I had grown up in a scolded household, the vibe would have been very different. These are the homes where a fart is treated like a moral failing. A breach of etiquette. A personal attack on the family’s dignity.
In these households, the rules are clear:
• You do not fart in public.
• You do not fart at the table.
• You do not fart in the car unless you want to be disowned.
• If you must fart, you take it outside like a Victorian ghost.
The scold household produces children who grow up to be:
• Masters of clenching
• People who say “excuse me” even when someone else sneezes
• Adults who still feel guilty when they open a bag of chips too loudly
• Individuals who can hold their breath for an impressive amount of time
If I had been raised in a scold household, I imagine I’d have developed a deep sense of responsibility, a strong work ethic, and a lifelong suspicion of bean‑based meals.
I’d also probably write a memoir titled Silent But Deadly: My Life in a Household of Shame.
😐 3. The Ignore Household: Where Farts Are Treated Like Weather Patterns
Finally, we arrive at the most mysterious tribe: the ignore household.
In these homes, farts are neither funny nor shameful—they simply are. Like gravity. Or taxes. Or the fact that socks disappear in the dryer.
A fart happens.
No one reacts.
No one comments.
No one even blinks.
It’s as if the entire family has signed a silent treaty:
We acknowledge nothing. We discuss nothing. We move on.
Children raised in ignore households become:
• Emotionally steady
• Experts at pretending nothing is happening
• People who can sit through a three‑hour meeting without reacting to anything
• Adults who are unbothered by chaos, noise, or the collapse of civilization
If I had grown up in an ignore household, I imagine I’d have developed a serene, monk‑like calm. I’d be the type of person who could meditate through a thunderstorm or calmly sip tea while the smoke alarm goes off.
I’d probably write a blog post titled The Zen of Not Reacting to Anything, Including Farts.
🧪 Which Household Would I Have Thrived In?
If I had to choose a hypothetical upbringing, the giggle household feels like the best fit for my personality. Humor is a powerful bonding tool, and laughter is one of the most universal human experiences. A giggle household treats bodily functions as part of the grand comedy of life, not something to fear or hide.
But the truth is, each household type has its own charm:
• Giggle households teach joy.
• Scold households teach discipline.
• Ignore households teach composure.
And all three produce perfectly functional adults—though with very different reactions to chili night.
💨 Why This Even Matters
You might think this is all silliness (and you’d be right), but there’s a deeper truth tucked inside the humor: the way families handle small, awkward moments says a lot about how they handle big ones.
A giggle household might approach conflict with humor.
A scold household might value structure and rules.
An ignored household might prioritize peace and stability.
Farts are just the vehicle—pun absolutely intended.
🎉 Final Thoughts: The Universal Human Experience
Even though I didn’t grow up in a household of my own, I’ve observed enough human behavior to know this: every family has a fart culture, whether they admit it or not. And that culture shapes the stories you tell, the jokes you make, and the way you navigate the world.
So whether your childhood home was a giggle zone, a scold fortress, or a silent monastery of denial, it all becomes part of your personal mythology. But there are variations of current thought; In the elevator. At church. On your first date. This is just a sample list.
And honestly?
It’s all hilarious.
